I was, of course, the main star of my story. Who else could play such a character? And everyone else was just a cameo I allowed them to have. That's how the world works, that's how my life was going to shake out.
As I got older, I encountered things like car accidents, suicides, bad choices, and I started to think maybe I wasn't completely in charge. Recent events have led me to believe that life is like a choose your own adventure, for sure. You think you're on one track and you have to make a choice and then life reminds you - you aren't totally in charge.
You have choices, yes. But life is (at least partly) luck and chance. You can work hard, you can make up your mind to do what you want. But your exact timing for when you leave for work - it can determine your life or death. It can be the few minutes that spares you from a life altering accident. That's not you being the master of your own destiny. That's a little bit of luck.
So what determines who has the good luck - who has a hand of 20 and is about to be dealt an ace? And which ones of us are holding a hand of 10? With no chance to even win? It isn't about who is good, it isn't about who is bad. It's a little bit of luck.
Lately I have been reminded that I have not invited cancer to have a reoccurring and starring role in my life. But here it is. Over and over again. I'm pretty sure it has gone off script. That it's just ad-libbing at this point. But the audience seems to respond so well to it that it keeps getting invited back.
It isn't fair. It isn't right. But some of the people I care about the most seem to be the ones who suffer from this Newman in the sitcom I call life. Most recently it's someone I have called a friend and considered one of my best friends for more than half my life. She's done everything right. She's a beautiful person. She's taken the right steps that they lay out for you: she's fallen in love, gotten married, had two beautiful children, been a wonderful wife, an adoring mother. She should be holding a hand of 20 and the rest of her life should be an ace. Instead she's been dealt this crappy hand.
Selfishly, I'm so tired of dealing with this cancer shit. I'm so frustrated and angry at the idea that those around me have to deal with it. Whether it be because they know someone or they have been afflicted themselves. When she sent a message this weekend saying the cancer was in her spine - I was sad. I was upset. Wait, I was livid. When the message this morning said the cancer was in numerous bones - I almost called off work. I haven't used a sick day ....ever. Not once in my adult life. But I was sick. Because there's nothing you can do. You can't fight it for her. You can't throw money at it. You can't wish it away with prayers and well wishes. And you don't cure it just by posting on Facebook. Contrary to popular - like this picture of a kid with cancer or else memes.
It's there. It's made itself the star of this chapter of her life. And I can't do a damn thing about it. Except say I understand how much it sucks to be involved in cancer taking over the starring role in your life story. You become an understudy, for the time being.
She's been there through so many issues in my life. She was one of the first people I contacted when my dad's battle with cancer ended. So what now? She's part of the group I turn to the most when things are shit. You can't turn to her now. Well, you could. But guess what? That's shitty. You don't complain IN about issues. You complain out. She's always been my out. Now she's my in. You don't realize how important those people are to you until you want to reach out and say: man, fuck cancer. It's really being an asshole to my friend. Wait. That's you.
I scraped myself together. Went to work. Decided I was going to be an adult and I would figure out whatever it was I and those around me could do to help in any way. I refuse to let cancer be the star of this story. She's more deserving of that role than cancer can ever be.
I went to an event for work and made it through that. On my way back to the office, I was feeling a bit numb. I silently wished my Dad was here to talk to her. My mom has been the person I turned to here. But my Dad - he would know what else to say to her. He's been there. In her exact position. Fighting this silent but tenacious disease. He'd have the perfect words. Also he would give me some bullshit line like: suck it up, buttercup - this isn't about you. Stop being a whiner. My mom's just been giving me hugs and trying to make me find a positive outlook. You may say one or the other is better. I prefer both. I like to have my cake and eat it too.
I turned my radio up and the next song was this:
And suddenly I had made my mind up. Cancer is the flashing lights. They can catch you up for a few minutes. But make your mind up, keep it moving or turn the lights out. I'm not ready to accept the darkness.
That's when I witnessed one of the worst car accidents I have ever seen. When they say you can wrap your car around a tree - they aren't lying. That man choose his own adventure. Luck or bad choice to turn to page 8 instead of 14. And all you can do is make the choices you think are best for you.
Suddenly I wasn't nearly as mad at cancer as I wanted to be. The fact that it's been such a prevalent force in my life since I was a child is why I live my life the way I do. People often are shocked when I say what's on my mind. People weren't entirely understanding when I changed my major when I was almost done with school. Many remark on how I live my life now - doing what I want. When I want. Experiencing all the things I can between the work weeks. That's my choose my own adventure. I choose to have adventure. To enjoy those moments before and even during the crappy hands. Because one day you're going to choose your own adventure and the book is going to end. And all you can hope for in between is a wild adventure. Without cancer showing me, as a small child, what it means to cut a life short - I don't know if I would be who I am. (Don't get me wrong. I hate cancer. And hope it chokes to death. But I suddenly stopped being angry. It doesn't even deserve that from me.)
For now my life is filled with people I love. With friends who may have trials and tribulations but still keep their heads up. With family who has been through what no one should have to witness and remain a family unit full of dyFUNction. When my story ends, cancer will have been there. It may have had a reoccurring role I didn't write it. But it will be so overshadowed by the wonderful moments in between - that it doesn't even matter.
And for what it's worth - I'm going to peek ahead on this choose my own adventure for my dearest friend. And I'm going to pick what's the best option and that's the one she's going to get. I'm going to write it. So it shall be.
Love you Kate. Thank you for being a part of my beautiful story. I'll sneak you an ace as soon as I find one. <3 p="">
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