Sunday, August 13, 2017

You Have to Love Her - And Then You'll Love Those She Loves

Anyone who is an older sibling can tell you that younger siblings are annoying. They touch your things, they ask all the questions, and - if you're like me, an only child for almost 10 years before a sibling came along - they take part of the attention you're used to having all of off you.

I never wanted a younger sibling. And I certainly did not want a little sister. I had asked for an older brother for years. Even with my parents informing me that this is not, in fact, how it works.

And then there she was - a little sister. I was told I didn't have to like her but I HAD to love her. It was a family rule. I moved out when she was only 7, and we didn't have things in common. But I always loved her. And, truth be told, I learned to even like her. Even when she broke my things, picked the paint off the bedroom door we shared, and invited herself to all the things I did with my friends as a teenager. And, to be fair, she picked the paint off the door because I put a childproof door handle on….to the room she shared with me.

My parents both came from families with numerous siblings. And they assured me I would learn that my sister was not only my sibling but my friend. So they prepared me for that.

They did not tell me I would end up taking her friends places. That they would have sleepovers at my house on New Year's Eve. They never mentioned that I would forever run into people who would say: are you Emily's sister?! And they definitely didn't prepare me to care for not only her but for those who she cared for.

Even when I didn't live at home with her, I came to see my family. I watched her friends come in and out of the house. I saw them grow up from awkward preteens into even more awkward teenagers. I showed some of them, when our parents were out of town, that using cardboard wasn't the most effective way to slide down the stairs inside - let's try a laundry basket. And please don't tell your parents. I said things like: stop playing with fire. Do you really think you should be shoving that many marshmallows into your mouth at once? If you need a ride after drinking, call me. And also don't tell your parents I said that, either.

I watched so many kids not related to me come in and out of our house. I saw them grow into actual humans. I was proud when they graduated. We became MySpace friends, Facebook friends - and some of them just plain actual friends.

I never imagined that the pain they felt would make my heart ache. I don't have children. I don't want to have children. I don't have any desire to know what it's like to have my heart run around outside my body. I don't want the responsibility of another human being. I have a cat and a dog because you can put them in a cage and no one calls CPS. I have a lot of fish because when you screw up with them? You just flush them and get another. None of these practices are acceptable with children. So I didn't think I had it in me to care so much for these little kids, as they may always be to me. But I do.

This weekend, so many of them have suffered a loss. Of one of their one. One we watched grow up. One I spoke to as a friend, even recently. Watching my Facebook feed light up with posts to his page has made me happy, to see how cared for he was. And sad to see the impact he had on their lives and how heart broken they are. It's also surprised me. To see how many of them mean so much to me and to my family. And see how easily they weaseled their way into a spot in my heart.

I've been where you all are. At a loss. Without the right words. With an ache you can't touch. The loss of one I had to say stop playing with fire to hurts me, makes my heart throb a reminiscent tune I hate knowing. But knowing they're all hurting as well makes the tune go from mono to stereo in a way I didn't know possible.

I know you don't think you'll ever be the same after your loss, little friends. And you won't. But you'll live. You'll learn. And you'll grow from this - you'll grow in your adulthood. And you'll grow even closer as you all help each other through this. And I love each and every one of you in a way I didn't know possible. Even those of you who are still annoying. And those of you who still need a reminder to not play with fire - you know who you are.

Thinking of you all,
The big sister you didn't need. Or want. But got stuck with.



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